Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
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Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm