Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here