My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
You Might Also Like
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time