that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
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When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk