Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
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[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.