Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Can Happiness buy money?
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce