[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
#CoronaOutbreak
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police