I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…