If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
technically true but not a great slogan
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me