[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
mood