Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.