Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“