Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
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They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
lol
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Good morning, Twitter x
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
everyone has that one prude friend