If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.