ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
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No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”