every single time
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
The first matador
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Put this video in the Louvre
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?