Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.