when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.