I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
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My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.