I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
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me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
there’s probably a fee though
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)