I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
You Might Also Like
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow