If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
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Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
2023 was just a warmup
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”