If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
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Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Love is in the air fryer.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.