If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
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You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
the short answer to this question
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
your elf on the shelf was delicious
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
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Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.