Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
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A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler