*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
my name if I was in the mob
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.