I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I’m not alone. I have ants.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.