*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
You got this…
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.