I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL