I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
one last job
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks