Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
You Might Also Like
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to