When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
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The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
They’re the worst 😩
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now