son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
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Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My doctor鈥檚 office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I鈥檓 not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Aladdin: 馃幎I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I鈥檓 not sure strep throat is THAT bad
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it鈥檚 just like more work to them
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do