Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Big Sex has us all fooled
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”