Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
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Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
o shit
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
5 ways to appear taller
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
An owl showing some catlike behavior.