The two types of wives
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Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Running from your problems is cardio .
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.