Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together