*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
You Might Also Like
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*