i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
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Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”