i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
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Cool shirt 🙂
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…