Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
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You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?