Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school