“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!