Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.