The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
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“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Brilliant!
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“OMGJK” -atheists
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….