Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.