funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
This meal prepping shit easy
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
i’m still crying at this
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Succinctly put.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!