My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
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[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
#Caturday
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!