Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
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“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Holy moly
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”