SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
this has to be peak English
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?